Earlier this week anxiety threatened my peace of mind, promising to send me into a tailspin of survival mode behavior that ends in some sort of train wreck. Misunderstanding mixed in to cause strife in my home. Bills from my … Continue reading
It’s one of those times. I am fighting anxiety, I am overwhelmed with circumstances that I am not sure how to deal with. The bills come in, and I am not sure why they aren’t covered. My mind goes wild with ideas that I am going to be stuck with thousands of dollars in medical costs, that there is nothing I can do. It has been a long time since I have felt this kind of anxiety.
Two years ago I spent a summer writing about overcoming anxiety. As dread and fear threaten to take over I do what I know, but I only have two simple words “Please God.” I can’t seem to get past the two words. I have a responsibility for these bills, but I don’t have the money. I am not the only one with a responsibility to these bills and that is causing strife in my home. It is beginning to make me withdraw.
I need to get past my two word prayers. So I read some of what I wrote two years ago…
“Hearing the doubts in my head, feeling that overwhelming panic, I feel anxiety overtake me. In my anxiety, I have moments of not trusting God. My old need for control takes over and my whole body aches as doubts of being able to cope smash into me like the crashing of waves on rocks. My head screams ‘how will you deal with of this?’ and my body and mind react in a way that can often make me physically ill.
The enemy uses my reaction, he loves it. The enemy knows that next I will hide; if I don’t hide I will lash out at an unseen foe hurting the ones who love me. I will tear apart those closest to me never saying I am scared and it hurts. The downward spiral begins there. I lash out, I see their hurt and lack of understanding, and I feel worthless. Feelings of worthlessness weigh me down to sink into a pit of despair. My fear builds, because how can I now restore what I am tearing apart?”
Yes, clearly some things remain the same I feel the anxiety and I begin to withdraw. Some things change because knowledge is power and I know that doesn’t work. Reading further I am reminded of His promises to me…
“Anxiety screams and many of us feel lost in insecurity and fear. The overwhelming feeling of powerlessness; a loss of control like a car careening to the side of the road in a slide that cannot be stopped takes over your whole being. In the midst of our anxiety and worry we all need to seek the Almighty, who holds each of us in the very palm of His hand even when we feel our world spinning out of our control. He is the Comforter of our very souls and understands we are not alone and we are not worthless. He is faithful and loving and has come to set us free. Repeatedly His word tells us not to worry and be anxious, He is our security. He can place stop the careening car from crashing and set your mind on the right path. It is a discipline to look to my heavenly father and trust, to get on my knees and place my concerns on His lap where they belong.
God’s word certainly says not to be anxious, do not worry and fear not, yet I become anxious, I worry and I have a tendency to be fearful. People have quoted all the scripture at me. I vow not to, I will overcome these feelings, I will be the good little Christian woman and God will love me more. That doesn’t work. It is backwards! Those feelings don’t make me a bad Christian; they prove I am a work in progress. God isn’t going to love me less because I still experience those feelings; He has proven His love (Romans 5:8). God doesn’t tell us not to be anxious because that is how we prove we are good Christians. We are each fearfully and wonderfully made by Him, He knows our innermost beings and He foreknew those of us who would struggle with these issues. It is only in His great power that we overcome anything. The One who loves us best tells us not to worry, be fearful or anxious out of His great love for us.
God is perfect love, He casts out fear and His word speaks that we must trust Him. Gently He whispers, “Seek Me, Seek Me first, call out to me.” Look at the words in Psalm 34, they jump out at me. “I sought the Lord and he answered me; He delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. The poor man called and the Lord heard him; He saved him out of all his troubles (Ps 34:4-6)”. He is not chastising us for failing to get ‘perfect love’; He is waiting for us to allow Him to give us perfect love.
Oh the faithfulness of our King, the abundant promise. He answers and He delivers us from all of our fears if we seek our Heavenly King. He so wants the best for us that He is listening for our cries. He knows our struggles and He wants us to know that He loves us so very deeply He is always listening. No concern is too small, no fear too big for the Almighty to take. He is the perfect parent, always wanting what is best for His precious child and always willing to talk.
Repeatedly God speaks His promises in this one Psalm. He says, “Trust Me, Praise Me, and know I am in control. You, my child cannot handle this without me, but I AM here. I AM in control. I AM watching over you.” Look closely at the promises that I AM is giving in this one Psalm. His eyes are on His children; His ears are open to our cry. Should fear and anxiety arise again these promises for His beloved children are repeated throughout His word.
Children of the most High simply need to cry out. He wants us to cast our cares on Him, realize He is in control, to rest in Him. He cares for His sweet daughters, and sons, He cares about what concerns us. He is the omniscient one who knows what we are able to handle. He will bring those who are called by His name through whatever He allows in our path. I love what God speaks to His children in Isaiah 43:1b-3a, “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.” That is an incredible love; I strive for my heart to reach the place where it fully embraces that love and feel it dwell there in peace.”
I’m still at the two word prayer, but I also have lots of praise and His promises. I have bills, but I still have my son. I have no money for the bills but I have a healthy child with minimal scars to show for the accident that created them. God’s hand of protection was over this boy, and that hand has not been removed. He will bring me through this. In the meantime, I will not withdraw, I will not retreat into that solitary place in my head. I will reach out to the One who loves me best and ask for support and prayer from those I know will stand with me!
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It is the in between. In between Christmas and the New Year, with the past year almost behind and a new one beginning. I am fortunate to be able to end the year with time off of work and the busyness it affords me replacing it with time to reflect and prepare for what is ahead. Christmas ends and I put my home in order, taking down the tree that is, by this point, so dry dozens of needles fall while I take down each precious ornament. I carefully put away the decorations replacing them with the books and pictures that live on my shelves throughout the rest of the year. I consider my collection of nativities, tempted to leave just one out for the entire year. I am predictable enough that I don’t, the baby Jesus is put away tucked carefully in a box and replaced with my precious “Simeon’s Hope” framed on its shelf. Simeon joyfully lifting up the promised messiah infant reminding me that God is faithful to His promise.
It has been a long year, which has flown by. God’s presence and actions woven into the tapestry of 2011. The old year will blend into the new one within a few days and I am compelled by my very temperament to stop and consider the past twelve months. In the quiet of my home I can sit alone with my Abba resting and reflecting. He has carried me through the entire year with His incredible love and provision.
The year began with difficult lessons; lessons in boundaries and forgiveness and cardboard pedestals. Once again in His sweet gentle grace my Father taught me about the importance of order and His word TO me. A difficult lesson in trusting what others say rather than trusting that I AM would speak to me. Learning to graciously dismiss who others say I am and embrace who my Creator says I am. Difficult but beautiful in its grace and mercy.He was El-Roi, the strong one who sees guiding me and giving me strength to receive and give grace.
Repeatedly He has revealed himself as Jehovah-Rapha, the God who heals. Sending His Holy Spirit to work in our lives emotionally and physically throughout the year. Emotionally replacing tears for laughter and allowing my husband to put away some past baggage he had been lugging around for far too long. Physically healing me on several occasions, from a shoulder issue to ear pain that was refusing to respond to medicine. Even my husband who tore a muscle walked out of church after limping in and receiving prayer.
The beautiful thread of love, hope and provision can even be seen weaved through what seemed a very dark portion of this years tapestry. At one point during the fall of this year I struggled with not hearing His voice and feeling very alone. It was difficult to worship and feel ‘stopped short’, as if hitting an invisible barrier. Even during that time my Savior was true to His name and promise. Even though I ‘felt’ alone He was still present, Jehovah-Shammah. In those bleak moments were lessons on trusting when you can’t feel or see what God is doing; learning that even in the silence I AM never leaves. He is very present.
In His infinite mercy God did not leave me long in that place of feeling alone. As the year comes to an end, as many of us prepared our hearts to celebrate the fact that God came down in skin to show us all what love really is, God had already broke through that strange invisible barrier with a lesson in trust. And as if all of this wasn’t enough, He shows me once more how very big and capable He is as Jehovah-Jireh.
The provision has been beyond amazing from beginning to end. When my husband was getting less than 20 hours a week, when my income was cut in half over summer break He provided. He interceded as our deliverer and more than one debt got lowered when those collecting tried to increase it. When bills AND groceries didn’t seem feasible both were taken care of. I never ran out of coffee, milk or toilet paper; those are the three items that my Father knows bring me a strange sense of provision.
The last month of the year brought a large propane bill and then the unexpected cost of an alternator. After my husband being off work with his injury for a week bills, groceries and a short paycheck left us with three cents just before Christmas. Our Christmas shopping seemed finished before we could even begin and we were content with that. Trusting the One who loves me was not going to allow anything to happen that was beyond His control, knowing that if we truly needed something He would provide brought contentment. Then a check came in the mail. Unexpected by us, but perfect in His timing, a gift that allowed us to do a little more and more than covered our loss. Blessed beyond coffee, milk and toilet paper.
I look back at the tapestry that represents this year. I see the happenings, the changes and the growth represented in its design. Throughout there is a beautiful golden thread of showing the presence of a God and Savior who was with us at all times. I am in awe of my blessings and the beauty that this thread represents. As I step back and look at what God has woven into our tapestry what it says is very clear,
“I Love You.”
I can’t wait for next year.
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